Personal Transformation and breaking from convention: Re-imagining the ability to imagine.

 As an activist, whom is part of a community of activists, I've found that as much as people desire to see social change, they don’t know how to go about reaching that change. Thus, even as we do progressive work, it is within the box of convention.

            I once led a workshop where I drew the outline of a cruise boat, and asked the participants to explain how a cruise ship is comparable to systems of oppression. The bottom level is where the workers are, making a poor wage, lesser food quality, less access to sunlight; the mid level has some increased quality, and the customers have better amenities and access and; on the deck level is the where the wealthiest of customers are, have ongoing VIP status and an accompanied elitist mentality.
            The workshop when went well; the group was able to make the connection and decided that such a structure was not ideal and I was pleased with the discussion until I posed the question, “If you could redesign the boat, what would it look like?” An eerie silence fell over the room – no one could answer yet a suggestion.

            It was at that moment I realized just how sadly we'have lost our ability to imagine. How can we expect to create change when we've lost our ability to form it in our minds? What’s happened in the movement where such is that we've lost our creativity and thus in many respects, lost ourselves?

            When we examine the non-profit structure for example, it is very difficult to consider impact when the third sector’s survival system is currently dependent upon the very systems for which the existence of the third sector is intended to change. An organization that works to end poverty (or rather assuage it), receives its funding from foundations that are run by wealthy individuals that have benefited from the ‘have and have-not’ paradigm. Therefore in order to challenge poverty, poverty must exist so the organization can exist.

            How then can we imagine the existence of such an organization, whilst imaging the non-existence of the social problem? It is a cyclic domino effect we rarely talk about inter-personally  nor confront internally. 

            We've operated under a system of convention, the very system we live to counter and transform.   Because we've lost our ability to imagine anew, the thought of change is difficult even to us change makers, because without the ability to shape things in our minds, there is chaos ( a concept which both highlights and pays homage to the phrase “figments of our imagination” ). It is a fear of that internal and externally projected chaos that contributes to our resistance to confronting how systemic structures have created barriers to fostering transformation on a social scale – the other barrier is ourselves, for we are whom perpetuate this trend.

            The sense of venturing into the unknown becomes equated to making a substantial sacrifice – we see it as a threat to our livelihood and thus as a threat to all we have to come to know and live by. We don’t ask ourselves enough however is if the structures with which we live by (social, economic, gender-based etc) is really how we want to live? Or, are we living this way because we can’t think of anything else? Have we become so accustomed to convention that we even think of change through conventional means?

           We must first look within - beyond thinking outside the box, we must have the will to live to be outside the box. In order for change to be realized, we must re-write our vision for change. It may take everything in our simple and daily ways of life, and that area of unknown may be too scary for some, but all the while necessary

            Thus the transformation must begin within us first. It is then and only then, can we have tangible progress, in everything from a cultural shift in an organization to growth in sustainable community development. As the proverbial saying goes, “it starts with you”, but according to convention, we tend to wait for someone other than us to be the first. Therefore, that too must change; we all, at once must imagine together. Then, the discussions can begin to design and build change, freeing us from ourselves.

Imagine that.

The issue of black women dating outside their race

I was researching about the topic and founds hundreds of message boards, and thousands more commentary.

While there are still prejudice and sexist comments related to more common interracial couples (such as BW/WM, AW/BM, BM/WW or AW/WM - I noticed I didn't see much about Latino and Hispanics though), in particular, the scariest and most hurtful comments I found were about Black women with Asian men (especially given that I am a black woman who's dated outside my race).


For the most, part I saw some very disturbing posts from people with all sorts of opinions on the matter, who perpetuated, in their own way, racism against both Blacks and Asians.

See these links for examples:
- http://www.asiafinest.com/forum/lofiversion/index.php/t247219.html
- http://www.chinasmack.com/2009/pictures/chinese-black-couple-shanghai-metro.html

and here:
http://www.chinasmack.com/2011/pictures/chinese-men-with-black-women-african-wives.html

The negative comments came up more than comments about supporting interracial relationships (namely, BF/AM couples).

***************************

I myself feel a bit conflicted about the topic, and while my thoughts and assumptions are guided by actual facts and my background in sociology, I want to acknowledge now that is merely speculation.

I understand that many issues around this topic are race related and have nothing to do with what it should: two people who love each other.  

If only this was as easy as whether two personalities match, if a couple has chemistry, rather assumptions of racial prejudice, and betrayal.

I saw a blog online where someone (still trying to figure out if it was a man or woman) was griping about black  women taking white men over the ‘brothers’ and how the white bug has infiltrated black women at large.

I brought this conversation up with a friend, and he said he didn't like to see black women with white men, shaking his head as though the act would be a sin.

I got upset, retorting how many black men I know have always admitted they prefer white women over black women- for a plethora of reasons especially because black women have attitude, and white women are more easy to control. Nearly three quarters of the 403,000 black-white couples in 2006 involved black husbands.*

Stereotypes aside, I know that he wouldn't mind being with a white women, since he has often times talked about women he wanted to be with, realistic and unrealistically, and a good number of those women were white. It's a double standard I just can't take.

Black women are always at the bottom rim of the line in every societal fashion: our dark skin isolating us from mobility and relationships.

Being the pro-black nationalist that I am, originally, the idea of dating a white guy was a scary thing - almost a betrayal to my people as it were. I even go as far to claim that blacks dating whites is an act stemmed from self hatred, where dating a white person is an example of success, a conquest of the unattainable; or an act of defiance, to attempt to achieve the taboo in effort to stick it to the 'man.'

Personally, what takes me aback is the idea that someone would do it for the sake of sexual experimentation and dominance. I know plenty of guys, white or black (and other races) who wouldn't date me solely because of my dark skin (or as one person described "Island dark" skin), whether they think I'm a nice person, they could never bring themselves to be attracted to me because. Furthermore, I know a lot of white guys who only be interested in me because they think black women are exotic; an old stereotype passed down from European ideology about black women being these animal-like sex vixens, like the jungles of Africa venerates through us enough for a hot night and nothing more. It sickens me.

It gives light to the why some people among the colored community are desperately seeking lighter skin and thin, straight hair as the object of success and social mobility. We've all had someone in our lives say things that connoted this deep self hatred; the 'that's some good, soft, straight hair', and 'nice straight nose' comments.

What's worse is watching black women go through great lengths to lighten their skin: and the things they say s frivolously about it. My own mother, once was commenting how she was upset when she noticed my cousin got darker and she should have stayed in her "nice light color". The saddest thing I ever heard though, was when I was once tutoring and 11 yr old black girl, and she said to me, of her own volition, that she would do anything to be light, even slather her entire body in skin lightener, and didn't care that meant she would as light as an Albino person.....

Granted, this girl at the time was in the Metco program, where urban students of color are bused to all white suburban schools, and may have been speaking through her traumatic experiences there, but the media and marketing industries do continue to enforce and in fluency these ideas (I once went to by skin lighter to help my acne scars, and saw on the box one brand "the lighter you are, the better you are").

To bring this all back to the subject at hand, all of things AND MORE that black women suffer through compel them not to date outside of their race. Meanwhile, black men have generally felt free to court any woman.

While since the "Guess who's coming to dinner" film, it has been ever-more encouraged in society for black men to date white women, black women dating white men is still very taboo. The Former situation is often celebrated and seen quite often nowadays. The latter, takes much battling and even plays out in pop culture like a Romeo and Juliet story from hell. Take for instance the Aida Broadway play, or the Disney channel series Lincoln Heights, where a young black girl and white young man in love are constantly being separated by their families and people in their communities. There's even ‘Something New ’with Sanaa Lathan and the Guess Who movie, a Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher adaptation of the Sidney Poitier film I mentioned earlier. This movie however has a black woman, Bernie's daughter, in love with a white man, Ashton, and Bernie's character can't stand it.

Black women who date outside their race have also been known to criticism black men in stereotypical ways. Much of these comments come from black women who had bad experiences dating black men. I heard and read from BW saying that BM are too trifling, are too broke, always cheap, are too thugged out, too many in jail, and too few  to be relationship or even marriage worthy (see the article links below). The idea of a scarcity of black, that they are a dying race, saddens and scares me to the core (for all the social, cultural and institutional implications).

Yet, if these assumptions bare some sort of truth, unless black women date outside their race, they too are a dying breed anyway. There's some statistic that says that 42% of black women over 30 won't get married. I'd date out my race too to strengthen those odds!

Racial prejudice, double-standards, statistics, internalized racism, culture, and all around awkwardness are barriers to black woman's quest. like anyone else, for happiness. If the stereotype is that black women have too much sass, too much attitude is true, well, then I don't blame them! There's alot to be angry about and alot of reasons to feel cheated, and isolated. So if black men have admitted to not liking black women as far as the bedroom, why shouldn't we open our hearts to men of other races? Perhaps the melting pot truly starts with a good black woman, and maybe that's not a bad thing....as long as it's real love.

What do you think?

An article about the topic, which brings up quite a few questions for black men

*http://64.233.169.104/search?q=cache:SuZqsgaLa0QJ:www.tonimaxwell.net/2007/LIVING/personal/08/06/interracial.dating.ap/index.html+black+women+dating+white+men&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=10&gl=us

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_n22_v92/ai_19916742

http://bossip.com/2006/11/kerry-washington-and-fiancee-something.html

http://blackvoices.aol.com/black_lifestyle/love_features_advice_dating/interracial

http://www.topix.com/forum/afam/T1HR2RP78KG18IBBH

Poem: Insides

Into the fold
of the belly of the Beast,

In sleeping wake,

a pulse wave flows

to the tips of my fingers,

down to my toes.


A storm brews

from deep inside


I swim through acid rivers

and

find calm in the corners

of my stomach - my intestines rising

When we are of our own abatement

My planted heels my Achilles heel

When familiar is no longer
a gift

Where else can one go

but deep, deep inside?

In search of solace
in the dark...

President gives one his best talks ever - too bad we missed it

Press conferences should be aired in the evening.

Today, just one day after the nation was divided by elections fueled by political bashing, the president spoke poignantly at a news conference.

He acknowledge that he was not firm enough in some his decisions, acknowledge the drama in Washington is overshadowing progress; that we not only in government but as a civilization need to focus less on ideals, and be more realistic.

He also noted that partisan separation is a huge barrier to progress, that both republicans and democrats will need to come to together, that his cabinet failed us rushing to ‘get business done’ that he didn’t do enough to ‘change how business is done’.

He went on to remind us that this debt that his contesters blame him for was inherited by the previous administration, and that he is still in the early half of his presidency, that much of the complaints we have about government spending existed long before he was there.

I’ve never been so impressed with his speaking before – because you could tell this time it came from the heart, not his speech writer. He was honest and challenging and forward thinking, never caught up in the now, as we and our culture tend to be.

I only hope that folks were able to catch this, since it aired smack-dab in the middle of the day, while everyone was working...

It’s too bad because by tonight, the media will butchered the clips so much that the message will be lost, and all that will be left is propaganda.

For Pedro

I clicked through the channels and landed on PBS, mid-way through a docu-mini about a young Mexican boy, Pedro (in ‘The first to learn English from Mexico’).

He felt betrayed by his parents who left him for America, only to send him to them five years later. He loved his home, and hated this land. His parents would say they want the best- they want him to learn English, read English, speak better, be better.

“Do you want to be on the street or do you want to go to college,” they say. 

But he is not a good student, he is hyper, he picks on the performing students, he is violent – throwing his pet cat about before hugging it and saying he loves it.

He is failing.

His teacher tells him he is failing, and tells his parents in front of him.

His mother scolds him.

He lies upon the grass as helicopter flies but Fascinated he calls to it “Take me with you!”

At first, upon landing on the scene where he is tormenting his cat, my first thought was “what is wrong with this kid?” Secondly, I thought he was mischievous and malevolent. Then I watched until the ending, and by then didn't know what to think...

It wasn’t until I saw the film for the second time, this time in full, that I understood Pedro’s pain – 

Of course he would be abusive to the creature he loves – that is how he feels his parents treated him.

Of course he picks on the American born achieving student Maya – because she is what he isn’t, or at least what he has been told he can’t be.

Of course he does not focus on his assignments and scribbles – he finds solace and departure from his reality in his daydreams – the dark of is too much to feel real.

And, of course, his parents do not see this. His teachers do not see this. Like myself, they only saw a fragment of child and took it upon themselves to fill the rest of him with their own dreams, imaginations and assumptions.

And in that moment of realization – I see myself in him, not my wanting, just myself as this boy, this child, hurting and wanting for nothing more but love and beauty.

I see the young Haitian teens I've , their teachers, their probation officers, their parents telling them 'all you have to do is study and be good, why is that so hard for you?'

This is for Pedro and all the immigrant children, struggling to find solace in America.

Poem: Lupe said it best

Lupe said it best,

“The more I learn,

the lonelier I feel...

Ignorance somehow

Protects You...”

I have to admit,

I miss it sometimes...

Just Sometimes...

Welcome to my new Blog!

Hi!

Welcome to my new blog! 

I'm moving my Myspace Blog here ad will be posting more of my musings, including thoughts on social justice and need more more positive chnage agents, poetry, artwork, hobbies and thrifty things to do and more!

So stay tuned and thank you!

- Alley